The Dewmun Files

All right, this post is dedicated to a very good friend of mine, named dewmun. Since he refuses to get a blog of his own, I have been telling him I was gonna post this little tete-au-tete for some time now, and I am finally following through on my threat/promise. Now, keep in mind, Dewmun is a little more laid back than I am, and he is somewhat close to guru status on the mellow-ness scale.

A little pre-history, Dewmun recently got a divorce from one of those serious control-freak women, in fact, he was married for about 13 yrs to her. This has a certain effect on a guy... I think it tainted him a little personally, he's a bit on the jaded side lately.

Here's a few pages in the book of Dewmun, as told by Dewmun himself ~

OK, here is the next exciting chapter in the life of Dewmun, as i bungle and trip my way through life.
Last night i had my first dating/hanging-out expiernce since the divorce. Apparently some of the rules, policies and procedures to this type of experience have changed while i was married. I've known "Jane" (names have been changed to protect the innocent, though who the innocent are im not sure) for about two years now and have been pretty good friends. I asked her to dinner and maybe a movie, knowing that she is in love with a guy, thus thinking it would be a pretty casual date. She said sure she would love to. ( who turns down free food?)

I bopped down to Phoenix yesterday and picked her up, we went and had a nice dinner, no big deal. After wards she said she didn't want to go to the movies cause she would fall asleep, so we ended up going for a walk at a local park, and ended up holding hands, didn't mean anything. Did you know that in the Middle East Guys walk around holding hands all the time? We got back to her place about 11:00pm, and she asked if i wanted to come in to watch a movie.

Now please remember who is telling this story. One of my many motto's as always been "I've been good, and I've been bad, but common sense i never had". So i did some quick math in my head, 2 hours for a movie, 3 to 3.5 hours to drive back to K**(name changed), gets me home about 4, 4:30, an hour sleep, half an hour to get ready for my 6:00am meeting. Yah, thats do-able. I heard my self say "sure". Inside, she threw a movie on, and excused her self to the bathroom. I plopped down on the couch, chilled out and started to relax. She came out a few minutes later, sat down, and kind of snuggled in. Have you guys ever noticed how nice a woman feels sitting next to you? I'd kind of forgotton that.

We watched the movie for a little bit, when i guessed one of her cats, which was sitting on the back of the couch started licking my neck, you know that spot, right below the ear where your jaw bone meets the neck? Man i hate cats, so i glanced over and looked down..... and Jane was kissing my neck, HOLY FREAK, it was in that instant i realized i might be in a little bit of trouble, my mind did some rather quick interperlating of where this was all going, and realized i was in waaaay over my head. I decided to nip this in the bud.

"Jane i like you alot and your way cool and all, but i can't make love to you"
"Why not?"
Why do women have to ask so many hard questions all the time?
Well umm ahh, ya why not? OH Yea.
"#1 your in love with a guy that is a suspect as an accesory to murder, who is probably getting out soon" (no lie!!)
"so dont do anything that will leave a mark for him to see when i go visit him on Wednesday," she says.
Now in my short life i have only won only a couple of arguments with a woman, and in the last 13 years i think i only one once, so you can see I'm not very good at this. And already she was showing characteristics of a higher mental capacity than i could ever hope to achieve.

"#2 I dont love you, we're friends"
"Dewmun", (said with a tone that would suggest Silly Boy) "if you cant F your friends who can you F?"
Wow she was good, i'll bet she would have put Plato and Socrates in their place, even i could see the logic in that statement. i muttered something stupid like boy is this a good show, and she stopped kissing my neck for the moment. A few minutes later she slid over on the couch a little bit, maybe my belt buckle was digging into to her back or something, i dont know, she said
"Dewmun"
so i glanced over at her. HOLY FREAKEN SHEEP DIP, she had taken her shirt off, those were real cheche's staring at me. I instantly uttered a silent prayer/curse,
"ah come on God, thats not fair, there is no J or O or B in my name anywhere!" I said out load
"You know with the AC on, its kind of chilly in here, i would sure hate for you to catch a cold."
She slid back over next to me with a poutty little humph!
After a minute i said, "i did mention that i don't love you right?"
"But thats the beauty of this Dewmun, you'll be gone in the morning, no harm no foul, & I do have some condems."
Crap not only is she smarter than me but she is prepared. Silence for a few minutes then...
"Dewmun, whens the last time you had a BJ?"
Yaghck, i almost swallowed my tongue. When did it become legal to ask that question? That question seemed a bit unfair to my way of thinking.
"Look Jane, im a nerdy geek, you don't want to lower your standards like that, those suspects of accesory to murder, now those guys are cool! not like us nerds."
"Your not a nerd,"she said.
Great, she even knows how to use the English language to flatter and seduce.
"And besides, I though all nerds thought about was sex."
Touche, i hate discussions with women.

The rest of the movie passed without much interesting conversation other than,
"Hey thats my ear" and "while your biting my lip your blocking the Tv."

After the movie was over she said "Dewmun, you can come lay down on my bed and take a nap before you head back to K**."
My mind screamed "B B B" (inside joke for J.)
I told her i had better hit the road, she said "Dewmun, you've been a perfect gentleman, i think the challenge is going to be very interesting, I dont want you to go home all sore."
I told her i would grab a bag of iceand a Bawlls on the way out of town, i'd be ok. This morning it dawned on me i have no idea what the movie was called or even about.

Just one more fascinating day in the life of Dewmun ~ more chapters to follow. ;-D